Funny (CLEAN) Jokes

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?""Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, " Johnny, what is the matter?"Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out."It's probably just your Dad.

A police man was asked what he would do if he had to arrest his mother. He replied "I'd call for backup."

There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?" The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!" Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"

This one is just for my aunt Jenny :-)This came from a anonymous mother from Austin Texas.

1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show that they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.*

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!*

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.*

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.*

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.*

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, ...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."